1. my growing up on the internet was rough. i wouldnt trade it for the world. but you see there was this place called amino... it raised me and threw me into the depths of the gutter and taught me everything i could ever want to know. particularly it was my introduction to the concept of fandom. and by ???? did i run with it. it all started with mobile legends: bang bang, that ???? forsaken game. the game itself is pretty good for a league of legends ripoff, what throws me that it was my point of no return. i still have my high school au fanfic that i wrote when i was about 8 on microsoft word and i thought i was so creative by giving each point of view an utterly unreadable colour and font combo. and you know what? the particular amino i was on ate that shit up. my fanfics, my fanart, my wikis on my aus of characters that were about as accurate as you would expect from an 8 year olds first fandom. and ultimately thats what i miss. the ability to be free and naive and for the people around you to support you regardless of how much of a disservice you did to the fandom (primarily because they never heard of the place). and as much as amino deserved to shut down, i miss my amateur beginnings in fandom. hence i found refuge on the indie web: a place where everyone is just fucking around and finding out, in the best way possible.

this is what sparked how open i am about the fandoms im in. yeah i play the game where the yandere clown frequently violates many laws just to express his love for you thats based on Commedia dell'arte and has a really unique play on its story. yeah i actually research making characters for every mainline elder scrolls game however i am very particular on my stance that there should be no canon species to the roles that you play in those games; the nerevarine doesnt have to be an argonian, the dragonborn doesnt have to be a nord, let me play my khajiit assassin in peace. thus part of my presence on the internet is an attempt at dismantling the comfort zones and echo chambers im unfortunately used to having grown up on the internet during the 2010s, to learn about the things other people care about and to encourage them in their creativity.

2. in a similar vein to having grown up in the echo chambers that the internet now run off of, i also historically failed to live with any intention. a few years ago my daily cycle was: wake up, go to school and fuck around because i was convinced i was a gifted kid who didnt have to do fuckall, play fortnite, eat, sleep, etc. 'play fortnite' is interchangeable with whatever current interest applied, but it was the recurring one. although i definitely played fortnite in a very different way to what 'play fortnite' generally implies (you shouldve heard me argue about space and time with the random new zealand guy who wound up as my duo who just wanted to swing around with the spiderman mythics and bully some 10 year olds, whose friend didnt know the difference between the zero point and kado thornes time machine) it still was far from intention, creativity, or any other value you could possibly associate with an emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually nourishing lifestyle. over time ive grown disillusioned with live service games, hence i havent updated fortnite since... checks watch... chapter 6? wasnt that the chapter with hatsune miku, godzilla, and the simpsons? its still a game that holds a special place in my heart, the place filled with a melancholy fused with hatred and a mourning for the illusion which was what i perceived the game as. the same place roblox has, except roblox is in timeout, and fortnite gets to have the fancy bedroom where it is constantly raining outside. but living with intention is something im working on, which includes documenting a lot of things i do. games is where i have the most fun with that, but it really applies to anything. but social media was far from suitable. it takes no longwinded list of examples for you, the websurfer, to understand that a lot of social media is evil. so i would journal about things. but then this led to a deep dark hole of overconsumption which ultimately undermined the whole point of being intentional with what i was doing because i was trying to do whatever the real life version of min-maxxing is to make myself the ultimate... something. so in conjunction with my first point, i figured the indie web, and learning html/css (yeah no im still afraid of js), would be at least worth a shot. with physically writing stuff you kinda just write shit. which is great in certain contexts, especially more self-reflective contexts where the visual language containing what you write doesnt matter at all, but when trying to express yourself outwardly it's not enough to just write shit unless that minimalism is what you're trying to express. so whats the alternative? handcrafting everything including the pen and fucking paper, in the form of code.

3. most importantly to myself inwardly, regardless of what i consider my role in the context of the indie web, i need to work out how to express myself. independent of algorithms and echo chambers and trends, just, positively, fucking around and finding out. as someone still working out what the fuck gender is (as of right now my conclusion is that its fuckall and should be abolished), as well as trying to function as a person in a way that accomodates every side of my being, hence small things like oceans space on the bottom of the homepage. im functionally using this site in a way that some people use their commonplace books. filling it with whatever to try and gauge what matters to me, what works for me, what i actually am. i also want to yap about random bullshit.